What good does asking do?.....

I started my last four rounds of Chemo this morning. At my doctor's appointment he said my blood was "lovely" and continued to encourage me that the treatment is working as well as hoped and even though we briefly discussed not moving onto to the second sets of medicines because my blood was continuously clear, my doctor suggested we continue with treatment and as he matter of factly put it, "you already lost your hair, might as well just keep moving forward". I did some research on Taxol, which is the Chemo I am receiving the last four rounds, and my type of Tumor responds great to Taxol, and it has lower side effects.

Mondays treatment started out a little rough. I usually receive my treatment at the smaller annex type office of the Cancer Center because I hate the huge Infusion room at the main facility, and I can see my children's school playground from the infusion room at the center on the Island. It gives me comfort to watch the children play so I spend my treatment trying to find my kids playing in the grass. The center on the Island has been closed for the holidays so I had to go to the main center in the city for my Chemo. It was awful. My Nurse was on vacation and it is so busy there I literally sat for 45 minutes with an empty IV because the two nurses that were working were so busy they couldn't change my fluids. That was after the Nurse blew 2..count that 2 of my veins and gave me an overdose of Benadryl. I can't take Benadryl, I told the Nurse that I even said Heather (Fleming Island Office Nurse) knows not to give me Benadryl. I was told that with the type of Chemo that Benadryl was a required Pre-Med. After 45 minutes I was in a drug induced coma. Literally. The Nurses could not wake me up, my heart rate was dropping and I was having chest pain. Once, they figured out I was in real trouble they went and got my doctor who pulled my IV's and about 20 minutes later I was starting to come around. After all the problems I heard the Nurse say "Oh, they have her on Decadron not Benadryl"...thanks for checking the chart lady.

Because of all of the action on Monday I couldn't finish my Chemo so I had to come back on Tuesday. It stunk that I had to have two days of Chemo especially because it conflicted with Taylor's birthday (more on that later).

I really don't talk about my Cancer much. I hate too. I don't want to let it become my identity and honestly I feel like there are a lot more interesting things going on. Most of the time if I am talking with people it inevitably becomes the topic of conversation, which I have learned is because people are concerned about me and my family and genuinely want to know if everything is OK. Most of the time I am asked if I ever ask "why me". No I haven't. Not ever once. I was disappointed in the timing but I have never wondered why it was me. I think back to the scene in Sleepless in Seattle when Sam Baldwin says "If we start asking: Why? We will go crazy". 

Actually, I am grateful for having Cancer. I am grateful I have Cancer and not my children or your children. I am grateful that Cancer has forced me to not sweat the small stuff, the floor can be dirty and the dishes can pile up. I am grateful that Cancer has forced me to think about myself and accept that it is OK if I need to spend the day in bed. I am grateful Cancer has forced me to rely on others and that it is fine to ask for help. I am grateful that Cancer has allowed me to pray for myself.

My only sadness in this whole thing is watching others pain. I can hardly bare to look at my husbands worried face on my sick days or listen to his voice tremble as he tells others that I am sick. I hate it when my son can't give me a hug because my body is so sore from my Bone Marrow Injection or my daughter telling me sometimes she lays awake all night praying that I won't die.